When you were leaving.
When I had to say goodbye.
When we hadn’t seen each other, for a long period of time.
When I was sick.
When I was stressed out.
When I was slipping into heaviness.
Those were the times I got very angry, easily frustrated, irritated, or outright unpleasant.
That was when I would pick a fight by blowing up a minute detail or small issue.
That was my unhealthy way of processing the fact that I missed you, that I miss you, that I needed you, that I need you. Believe it or not, I never realized any of that till this point in time. 10 years running, yes, it took me till now.
NEED. Aside from its affiliation with the basic necessities of life, it was a dreadful word to me. I hated that word. Need. To be deficient, lacking, without, not enough, insufficient.
Culturally, I had been taught that to need was to set yourself up to be taken advantage of.
Traditionally, I had been conditioned to link need to survival.
Mentally, making it on my own, standing on my own two feet was the name of the game.
Emotionally, to need was to be weak, to fall short, to be less than, to fail.
What I did not know was that I was depriving myself of acknowledging the very thing that my existence was pushing me to understand. What I did not know was that I was suffocating the very thing that brought me joy. What I did not know was that I do need you. I always have. I always will.
I always wondered why choosing you always came so easy, though more often than not, circumstances surrounding the choice is hard to deal with. I always wondered why friendship was so easy with you. Why future tense was ever present with you near. Why no matter how hard I tried not to, your character became a barometer for those who I met. I always wondered why it was so easy to forget everything else, but to forget you was a task that could not be accomplished. I always wonder why loving you comes so easily, even at the peak of trying not to.
I saw need as something negative, weak, stupid. Something that had to either be gotten rid of, squashed, or eliminated in any way possible. I always saw need as a mark that screamed ‘broken’. But, needing you has never made me feel that way. Needing you made me stronger than I ever imagined I could be. Needing you helped me to grow. Needing you brought more joy and laughter into my life than I ever allowed myself to admit. Needing you brought me peace. Needing you made me bold, daring, willing to take risks. Needing you made me feel safe. Needing you helped me to understand what love truly means. Needing you helped me to heal and become whole again. Needing you led me to contentment. Needing you saved my life.
Why am I just figuring this out now? I do not know. What I do know is that I need you, and the thought of that, the acceptance of that, does not strike fear in me like it used to. I need you, and appearing weak or stupid is the furthest from my mind. I need you, because if I didn’t, I would not be where I am at today; loving you with all of my heart.
These 3 words ring true, I need you; It just took my head some time to catch up with what my heart had been telling me all along.
"I'd climb every mountain, and swim every ocean Just to be with you, and fix what I've broken Cause I need you to see, that you are the reason"
To my Beloved Crown
Scott, C. 2017. You Are The Reason. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcC5VGOx8I8