I go back and forth in my mind about the many reasons why none of this makes sense. The truth is that I know that I may be holding on to the ideas of what was, but that does not seem to be enough to deter me. Why? I am definitely not like this with any other human being on the planet. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing in this space, Lord. The truth is that I am tired. I am tired of not knowing whether I am building something up in my head that shouldn’t be. Tired of the unknown. Tired of not knowing how to move. Where to move. Tired of waiting and trying to move on simultaneously. I figured that this would fizzle out, but days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. The years now just keep adding up. For the better part of a decade, it only seems to be growing stronger. How can that be?
I have finally released MT from my head. I said goodbye to him in a way that fostered friendship. I have stopped the flip-flopping, the back and forth of wondering if I would have chosen him if I was in a better head space. The truth is, my head and my heart was hurting then, but my decision was always clear. To re-do it over again, my decision would have remained the same. There is no replay that could occur where I would have chosen differently. If I could, I would.
I was able to apologize and make things right with RB. I offered him friendship. I mishandled him because he took me by surprise. He helped me to realize that my heart was not as shattered or unfeeling as it once was, and I did not know what to do with that realization. I had always thought I was reluctant to fall though I was healed. I always thought the part meant to long for a romantic relationship was dulled, until RB jolted me awake. He inspired me to connect with my heart in a way that I had been avoiding for a long while – dare I say, for seven years. Given time and proximity, I may have been able to fall in love with him, but there was already someone in the space he hoped to occupy – my heart. The same person that has been occupying that space for the better part of a decade.
This is why I have always found it hard to say yes to anybody else. This is why I have always found it hard to envision my life with anybody else. I have always recoiled from committing to or loving anybody else, because my heart had already found its home. The only one who ever brought me so close to what resembled home, so close to wanting to lose yourself in someone else, so close to what it means to selflessly live for and love someone else, was E. But he too was mainly an illusion, not the real thing. My heart knew this.
I thought that I had finally pushed through to the other side, to the side of getting over and moving on. But, here I am again. Just as I did then, even when it really made no sense, as it makes no sense now. Even when it seems as though the odds were not in my favor then, as they are not now. I silently, patiently, choose him. Even when it seems that I will be the one to truly get hurt at the end of this journey, I choose him. Truth is, I will always choose him. It took me a decade to finally realize that I truly, deeply love him. I always have, and frankly, I always will.
I fought against it for years. Tried to convince myself over and over again that I was simply infatuated. I could not, I should not, but the truth is; no matter how I play it out in my head, rearranging situations and scenarios; I need him. Not in the unhealthy, cannot survive without him kind of way that I was so terrified to succumb to, but in the healthy, liberating way of wanting to grow with him. The past years have taught me how to live life without him. But, I do not want to. I need him to share our dreams, our hopes, our fears, our plans, our vision. I need him to be the father of our children, the leader of our home, my head, my commander, my confidante, my captain. It took years to be able to admit out loud what my heart has known for 10 – I need him, I love him, and I miss him dearly.
It’s funny the things I miss most of all. His morning messages, sharing thoughts about a book or an activity, listening to his music, staring at him, holding his hand- for no reason at all, being able to look him in the eyes when we spoke or when we sat, just being with him; even if all we had to offer each other in that moment in time was silence.
The truth is, if I could stop loving him, needing him, and missing him; I would. When I can stop, I will. For it seems breathing will be a lot easier then. 10 years and counting. How long will I be here? I do not know, but I am no longer terrified of the thought of being here forever. For forever is but a gift to be able to say that I was loved deeply, and I loved authentically. Not because of anything that was offered, but simply because of who he is. And though it may no longer be reciprocated, I can confidently say that I loved with everything that I had to offer; then and now.
Sigh. Lord, I go back and forth in my mind about the many reasons why none of this makes sense. Truthfully, I want to understand because I do not know. I trust You, and I want to keep holding on, but I need understanding. Search my heart. Reveal me to me. If my motives are inadequate, please convict me. If my intentions are unjust, please correct me. If my heart is off the righteous path, please guide me back home. More than ever, I do not want him to take the place of God in my life. I desire a relationship that draws me closer to You, no matter how that may be, no matter what that may look like. No matter how easy it may come, no matter how hard the road may get. If You need to break my heart again, please do so, for I know that You are faithful, and only You can and will make me whole again. I love him. I need him. I miss him. And as it stands, I always will. But above all of these feelings and emotions, I choose You. I want nothing less than You. I want nothing outside of You. I have always chosen him, but above him, I will always choose You, Lord.