I thought that this was a curse I would have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. So, I began to deal. I learned how to live life with the emptiness, the brokenness, the pain. I learned how to smile even when everything inside of me was weeping. I learned how to show the emotions that people wanted to see, needed to see, in order for them to be okay. I learned how to put on a facade so that I would fit in to what the world told me was acceptable. I learned how to say okay, show okay, live okay when everything inside me was bleeding out. Oh the insides. Inside were fragments and pieces of self that I did not even know how to put together. Inside were broken shards of a whole that were begging for restoration. Inside was a sad girl who could not find her way home, and even if she could, didn't know what home was anymore. Inside was hell, and all that I thought would save me, only pushed me down deeper. I was numb from the inside out, and I did not even know it... A year after January 10, almost like clockwork, the voice began to haunt me. I began to dread New Year' eve (my birthday), and the New Year... There was no light at the end of this never-ending tunnel.
The steering jerked to the right - towards the 18-wheeler. I watched in complete silence as the car spun towards the back end of the truck. I was so sure that we were going to SMASH into the back of the truck. And just as though we were in one of those Fast & Furious movies, the front end of the car glided right behind the back end of the truck, across 2 lanes. Ok, so we missed the truck, for sure we were ending up in the ditch. Wait, what were my hands doing? How were my hands moving? Apparently, I had been counter-steering - without realizing. The car began to spin the other way, across 3 lanes. Towards the concrete barriers at the median. At that point, either the concrete barriers would stop us or cars would smash into us from behind. It was a literal 'Jesus take the wheel' moment.