When depression hit at the age of 6 years old, I thought for sure there was no way that God loved me. When the anxiety of body image issues started to creep in at 11 years old, I tried to hide in sports. When I was physically and sexually abused at 13, at a church building, I became angry with God, angry with people, for what kind of love could allow such a thing? When the verbal and sexual abuse did not stop as I got older, I turned a deaf hear to God’s profession of love and locked my heart away deep down. Clinical depression kicked in at 18 followed my panic attacks and a lack of self worth. I was sure that I was done with God, with myself, for life was too much to bear. With tears stained pillows and a heavy heart, I coasted through life with no hope for the future. To make it to 20 would be a feat, an hallmark would be to make it to 30 – for suicide was a staple on my mind. Everything seemed bleak. Until I was put in a position where I had no choice but to return home; physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even financially. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage, for what adult wants to stay living at home. Little did I know that I was a Phoenix being prepped for what she was created for. In order for a Phoenix to be reborn, it must first burn to ashes.
“Out of the ashes, I rise“, for the ashes became the embers of the fire that burns within me. In the ashes, in the ashes, I came to an understanding of myself, something I am still learning more about each and every day. Through the ashes, I began to clearly see God’s love for me that did not waver even in the darkest of spaces, and in the deepest of waters. Like a Phoenix I rise, burnt down, DYING to all I thought I knew; REBORN in the grace and Spirit of God through Jesus; RENEWED to live life fully, authentically, abundantly.