There is no rebuilding without demolition. There is no disciple without discipline. He is there. He is always there. To guide me every step of the way
"If you have never begged God to help you let go of someone, you have never truly loved"... I push myself to release, and each time I try, it is like trying to kill a part of me in many ways. You are a part of me.
The more you resist it, the harder it is.
The more you tense up,
The more difficult it is to get into the position you need to be.
The more you try to force it,
The less you are able to accomplish.
Running used to be a method by which I cleared my mind. Not in a healthy clearing kind of way, but in a way that I allowed the pain and unease that came with running, overtake my mind so that I could escape my thoughts, even for a little while. The pain gave me something concrete to focus on. When the pain was not enough to drown out the thoughts anymore, when I could not outrun myself, I stopped.
Our stories are unique in their similarities, different in their commonalities, and heartbreaking in the reality of this modern world.
This is the call to action, a BATTLE CRY that rings out, that will mark this generation. Will you heed the call?
"The Waiting Place for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go, or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting"
I thought that this was a curse I would have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. So, I began to deal. I learned how to live life with the emptiness, the brokenness, the pain. I learned how to smile even when everything inside of me was weeping. I learned how to show the emotions that people wanted to see, needed to see, in order for them to be okay. I learned how to put on a facade so that I would fit in to what the world told me was acceptable. I learned how to say okay, show okay, live okay when everything inside me was bleeding out. Oh the insides. Inside were fragments and pieces of self that I did not even know how to put together. Inside were broken shards of a whole that were begging for restoration. Inside was a sad girl who could not find her way home, and even if she could, didn't know what home was anymore. Inside was hell, and all that I thought would save me, only pushed me down deeper. I was numb from the inside out, and I did not even know it... A year after January 10, almost like clockwork, the voice began to haunt me. I began to dread New Year' eve (my birthday), and the New Year... There was no light at the end of this never-ending tunnel.
The steering jerked to the right - towards the 18-wheeler. I watched in complete silence as the car spun towards the back end of the truck. I was so sure that we were going to SMASH into the back of the truck. And just as though we were in one of those Fast & Furious movies, the front end of the car glided right behind the back end of the truck, across 2 lanes. Ok, so we missed the truck, for sure we were ending up in the ditch. Wait, what were my hands doing? How were my hands moving? Apparently, I had been counter-steering - without realizing. The car began to spin the other way, across 3 lanes. Towards the concrete barriers at the median. At that point, either the concrete barriers would stop us or cars would smash into us from behind. It was a literal 'Jesus take the wheel' moment.