The battle rages within. What I want to do versus what I ought to do. Through these lenses of war I make decisions. Daily choices, that determine the outcome of life and living.
Imagine a world where I am me, and you are you. A world where me being me does not take away from you being you.
This Dichotomy, where logic makes no sense at all. Where instead of running parallel, all things intersect. A place where Last is First, and Surrender is Honor. This place where Death became Life.
What is my motive for that which I say I believe? What is my motive for following Him? What is my motive for all that I do "for Him"? Do I even know 'what I believe and why I believe it'?
I stumble. I fall. I bruise myself, and sometimes I bleed. I stumble, I fall. I battle mind against Spirit, body against heart. I stumble, I fall. It all seems too much, what would it mean to give up? I stumble, I fall. Over and over it seems.
"If you have never begged God to help you let go of someone, you have never truly loved"... I push myself to release, and each time I try, it is like trying to kill a part of me in many ways. You are a part of me.
Running used to be a method by which I cleared my mind. Not in a healthy clearing kind of way, but in a way that I allowed the pain and unease that came with running, overtake my mind so that I could escape my thoughts, even for a little while. The pain gave me something concrete to focus on. When the pain was not enough to drown out the thoughts anymore, when I could not outrun myself, I stopped.
Our stories are unique in their similarities, different in their commonalities, and heartbreaking in the reality of this modern world.
This is the call to action, a BATTLE CRY that rings out, that will mark this generation. Will you heed the call?
"The Waiting Place for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go, or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting"
I thought that this was a curse I would have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. So, I began to deal. I learned how to live life with the emptiness, the brokenness, the pain. I learned how to smile even when everything inside of me was weeping. There was no light at the end of this never-ending tunnel.
The steering jerked to the right - towards the 18-wheeler. I watched in complete silence as the car spun towards the back end of the truck. I was so sure that we were going to smash into the back of the truck. It was a literal 'Jesus take the wheel' moment.
Yet nothing remains the same
Each sway simple
But its purpose unique
The momentum, always timely
I would not think of the things that I own, nor of the things that I wished I could have. I would not think of the career I was able to attain, nor of the amount of money in my account. Instead, I would think of opportunities. Opportunities taken, opportunities missed. Opportunities to laugh, opportunities... Continue Reading →
Dear Lord, I go back and forth in my mind about the many reasons why none of this makes sense. The truth is that I know that I may be holding on to the ideas of what was, but that does not seem to be enough to deter me. Why? I am definitely not like... Continue Reading →