My story is marred with trauma, with pain, with tears. Having been sexually assaulted by multiple men and verbally assaulted in many ways, I did not want to accept those parts of my story. I wanted to believe that those experiences happened to someone else, a different me. I never wanted to associate that person with the person I thought I needed to be. I did not want to be a victim. I was terrified. But, who am I without my experiences?
The battle rages within.
What I want to do versus what I ought to do.
Through these lenses of war I make decisions.
Daily choices, that determine the outcome of life and living.
Imagine a world where I am me, and you are you. A world where me being me does not take away from you being you.
This Dichotomy, where logic makes no sense at all.
Where instead of running parallel, all things intersect.
A place where Last is First, and Surrender is Honor.
This place where Death became Life.
What is my motive for that which I say I believe?
What is my motive for following Him?
What is my motive for all that I do “for Him”?
Do I even know ‘what I believe and why I believe it’?
I stumble. I fall. I bruise myself, and sometimes I bleed.
I stumble, I fall. I battle mind against Spirit, body against heart.
I stumble, I fall. It all seems too much, what would it mean to give up?
I stumble, I fall. Over and over it seems.
“If you have never begged God to help you let go of someone, you have never truly loved”… I push myself to release, and each time I try, it is like trying to kill a part of me in many ways. You are a part of me.
Running used to be a method by which I cleared my mind. The pain gave me something concrete to focus on. When the pain was not enough to drown out the thoughts anymore, when I could not outrun myself, I stopped.
Our stories are unique in their similarities, different in their commonalities, and heartbreaking in the reality of this modern world.
This is the call to action, a BATTLE CRY that rings out, that will mark this generation. Will you heed the call?
“The Waiting Place for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go, or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting”
I thought that this was a curse I would have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. So, I began to deal. I learned how to live life with the emptiness, the brokenness, the pain. I learned how to smile even when everything inside of me was weeping. There was no light at the end of this never-ending tunnel.
The steering jerked to the right – towards the 18-wheeler. I watched in complete silence as the car spun towards the back end of the truck. I was so sure that we were going to smash into the back of the truck. It was a literal ‘Jesus take the wheel’ moment.
Yet nothing remains the same
Each sway simple
But its purpose unique
The momentum, always timely
“Then if You’re not done working; God, I’m not done waiting!”
I would not think of the things that I own, nor of the things that I wished I could have. I would not think of the career I was able […]