What do I want? Do I know what I want?
This is why I can never serve another.
My shenanigans and foolishness can never exhaust Your supply.
I had to step into the mess if I wanted to accomplish anything of substance.
God does His part.
Do I do mine?
Then Monday morning happened. We woke up to the news that Iquitos was on total lock-down. Airports, seaways, and roads were all shut down. We were not allowed to leave. No one could get in. No one could go out. We watched as all flights got canceled domestically and internationally. We were stuck, and no one knew for how long.
My story is marred with trauma, with pain, with tears. Having been sexually assaulted by multiple men and verbally assaulted in many ways, I did not want to accept those parts of my story. I wanted to believe that those experiences happened to someone else, a different me. I never wanted to associate that person with the person I thought I needed to be. I did not want to be a victim. I was terrified. But, who am I without my experiences?
Each action a blow to His body.
Each choice a slap to His face.
With blood-stained face, and tattered flesh.
With all the strength His soul had to give.
He chose me as His and fully paid the price.
Worship as recognition of authority [Master & Lord]
Worship as a living testimony [Savior & Redeemer]
Worship as living out the gospel no matter the cost [A life of surrender]
Worship as unbridled, unguarded, extravagant display of love (Humility]
The battle rages within.
What I want to do versus what I ought to do.
Through these lenses of war I make decisions.
Daily choices, that determine the outcome of life and living.
Imagine a world where I am me, and you are you. A world where me being me does not take away from you being you.
This Dichotomy, where logic makes no sense at all.
Where instead of running parallel, all things intersect.
A place where Last is First, and Surrender is Honor.
This place where Death became Life.
I have no idea where I am
I have no inkling as to where I am going
Certain uncertainty that is all I am sure of
I need you
That you are the reason