What are you afraid of?
What keeps you up at night?
Honestly, I have been scared. Scared, without realizing that I am afraid. Scared, with no certainty of what I am scared of. Scared, of the unknown. Scared, of what is to come.
Often times, we say the right things, have the right answers, read the right passages, but deep in the recesses of our souls, fear still lingers; fear still keeps us captive, fear holds us bound. That was me.
I had always hinged my actions, my drive, on being good enough. I had always been driven by measuring up. Wanting to prove my worth. Do I fit in here? Am I worthy of this position? I viewed all those around me from my twisted lens… lenses… we must discuss that later. My family, my friends, the very people within my most intimate circle, how do I measure up to them? How do they measure up to me? Am I good enough? Are they good enough? Will my limitations one day drive them away? Will their limitations one day cause me to walk away? Who can measure up?
I always judged. Judged based on my own limitations. Presumed based on my own inadequacies. Always asking, why me? Why us? Are we good enough? Are our flaws well hidden? Flaws – the imperfections, the stains, the strains, the not-so-pretty parts… How can we hide them all?
But then His Word came. The Words that shook me to the core of my being. The Words that brought tears to my eyes, when I didn’t know I had something to cry about. The Words, that resonated so deep in my heart, that I had to fall to my knees to bear their weight. His Words that whispered ever so softly to my soul, while ringing loudly in my ears.
ABANDON YOURSELF TO ME
I have been asked to abandon myself, but I do not know how. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To totally let go, completely. To surrender it all. To let go of the reins, to let go of control. To make peace with the unknown, and be willing to walk, run, jump headlong into uncharted waters. Abandon yourself to me, He said. This is what I have been called to do. This is what we have been called to do. Holy Spirit, I need your help. Teach me to surrender. I am ready to let go of the fears I didn’t even know I had. I am ready…
To put fear in its place - swallowed and broken up in total surrender to God.