I once heard a speaker say, “If you have never begged God to help you let go of someone, you have never truly loved”. This resonated with me. I put it at the back of my mind, and let the understanding of that statement slowly reveal itself to me. As I reflect now, this sentence rings in my ears over and over. I ponder on it, and ultimately, I surrender to it.
The truth is, for the better part of 10 years, I have been trying to let you go. I have tried to ignore you, stay away from you, hate you, and even forget you. I have prayed countless times for God to take my memories of you and love for you away. I have hoped that I would wake up one day with my heart beating for someone else, that anyone else would overshadow this love of mine that is yours. But, in spite of all of my best efforts and prayers, letting you go is not something that seems to be in the cards for me.
I go back and forth in my mind. How is this possible? How have I been able to battle through so much, and yet not see an end to you? I push myself to release, and each time I try, it is like trying to kill a part of me in many ways. You are a part of me. God knows I have tried not to make it so. I have prayed to not make it so. I have bargained to not make it so. But, it is so. I have wept many times and begged God to take this love, take this away from me, but instead, He gives me His peace to push through, to hold on, to keep going. Instead, “Each time, He said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”” (2 Corinthians 12:9; NIV).
The process of letting go has been challenging. The process of letting go is challenging. It seems as though you have always been the hardest decision I have always had to make. Yet, I take it all just one day at a time. I know that this is a process. I have to continue to trust that He knows what is best for me and for you at all times. 11 years and counting, I know that God is faithful. Though I miss you, my Beloved Crown, I know that ‘He knows the plans He has for you and I. They are plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans to give a future and a hope’ (Jeremiah 29:11; NIV).
Bible Gateway. (2011). 2 Corinthians 12:9. New International Version (Biblica). Retrieved from https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/search=2%20Corinthians%2012%3A9&version=NIV
Bible Gateway. (2011). Jeremiah 29:11. New International Version (Biblica). Retrieved from https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah%2029:11&version=NIV